Animated Atrocities 123
I cannot believe what we're watching today. This is something that's LONG been overdue. Seth McFarlane's Cavalcade of Cartoon Comedy is anything but. It's more like a cavalcade of crap. ... Disclaimer I usually put a disclaimer myself on videos like this that can get kind of disturbing, but the video itself has one. "Hey, I put land mines every where! But it's okay because I'm telling you that I put land mines everywhere!" By the way, "bloodshed" is one word. There's also other forms of bodily waste that you do not tell the audience about. And sexual themes tend to be a separate content rating from the full nudity that is to follow. I... Yeah, I'm stalling. Let's get into the good stuff. The Frog Prince ... A Scotsman Who Can't Watch a Movie Without Shouting at the Screen ... AIDS Patient Zero ... Cat Staff Meeting ... Mountain Climber ... The Bartender Says... ... Name That Animal Penis! ... Die, Sweet Roadrunner, Die Wil E. Coyote, with the voice of Brian Griffin, kills the Roadrunner. I'm sorry, but I have this twinge; almost knee-jerk thing for whenever I hear Brian Griffin's voice, I go into a murderous rage and have to kill the thing closest to me. Does anyone else have this problem? So Wil E. Coyote gets a job at a restaurant, which he botches. And then he tries to commit suicide. And then he becomes religious. I don't really get the joke. Like, I don't even see where the joke even is. People becoming religious isn't a joke! He felt that he didn't have purpose in his life, so he tried to commit suicide, and then he became religious. Is this some kind of clever observation, that Wil E. Coyote doesn't have a point without the Roadrunner? Because anyone else who watched the show knows that; it's not some kind of world changing revelation. Sex With... #1 ... A Fat Guy Working Out Here-- Here's the joke. Let me let you in on a little secret. This joke is so... built in to the short that you probably... didn't notice. HUR DEE DUR IT'S A FUCKING FAT PERSON! LOOK! LOOK!! IT'S A FAT PERSON! ARE YOU LOOKING AT IT? LAUGH!! LOOK AT THE FAT PERSON! ISN'T IT FUCKING HILARIOUS!?! And there are three shorts with this joke... The Gay Knight Now, considering that homosexuals were killed in the medieval ages, this is an odd premise for a joke. Like, it might be able to work if someone wanted to spend a few minutes creating a sense of misdirection. You know, have a heterosexual knight act stereotypically gay and then switch it at the end. But no. Do you know what they do here? They just wrote Brian's cousin Jasper in a suit of armor. Knight: Fuck no! King: What? Knight: No way! That's, like, crazy shit you're talkin' right there, king! Oh gee, no shit. I wonder why. Oh, maybe it's because it's fucking huge and breathes all, like, fire and shit? That might have something to do with it. You know the character that everyone, especially members of the LGBT community absolutely loathe for being nothing but an annoying stereotype? Gay is not a personality! So the joke is that gay people are less honorable and more cowardly than straight people. I mean, the straight knight would've saved the day! So, what was the joke here? Oh, that's right. Stereotypical depictions of gay people are absolutely flat out hilarious! How many more do we have to go? A Douchebag Unicorn Gives a Public Service Announcement ... Fred Flintstone Takes a Shit This is one still image with Fred Flintstone making the same shit noises looped for an entire minute. When this happened in Family Guy, back when the censors actually, you know, told the people "No," we had Peter Griffin moving around and farting Dueling Banjos, so the joke's... already kinda been done. And they thought it was so funny that they need to make it even lazier. groans, makes stool, then laughs I mean, if you played, like, some chainsaw sound effects or something, this might work. groans, makes stool, then laughs Wait, my mistake. This isn't a short. I must've accidentally hit the making of special feature on the DVD. groans, makes stool, then laughs You know that Seth was gonna reboot the Flintstones? That would've been nice. There's not even a "Yaba Daba Doo Doo!" A Dog on The $25,000 Pyramid Didn't think the title was funny? Then you're not gonna find this short funny. Moving on. Super Mario Rescues the Princess This is one of the better ones, even though it has a couple of notable problems. The main problem being that it's a part of Seth MacFarlane's Cavalcade of Cartoon Comedy, which is on a mission to kill the concept of comedy! So after Mario saves the princess, she refuses to give him a kiss. Princess Peach: Ooh, you leaped a bunch of mushrooms. I'm so impressed. Um... yeah, I played the game. That was in it. Mario: I did not just leap a bunch of mushrooms. There were also these turtle shell things I have to jump over, and that was-- it was really hard. Yeah, I remember that part of the game too. Anyone else in the mood for Dorkly? You know, Dorkly... It's a pixel animation series that make video game parodies, kind of like this. Except they actually put effort into it! And they actually critique the flaws and tropes of a game! exempt from Dorkly's "Bowser Wants a Gun" Koopa: Stay back, man! Stay back!! Bowser: No, go ahead. Shoot me. fires, to which Bowser jumps on it Bowser: Oh. Oh, you see that? You see how I was able to jump on top of the bullet? You ever think bullets were supposed to be 4 feet tall and go 10 miles an hour? Koopa: Huh? They don't just say what actually happened in the game. Adopted Do you see this still frame image? Do you find this still frame image funny? No? Then this will be a waste of a minute of your life. You do find it funny? Great, you've gotten all the laughs you could get out of this by watching this still frame image. Moving on. We have a lot to do today. Stuck in a Life Raft with Matthew McConaughey This is a person the writer doesn't like. We're just going to put them on screen for a while and hope that the audience doesn't like them either. That's how celebrity satire works, right? Two Persian Guys Try to Get Ladies into Their Sports Car Do you think the title is funny? No? Then this'll be a waste of your life. I'm going to keep saying this a lot because that's what most of these "shorts" are. They're not jokes. They're titles. He Who Lives in a Glass House... Of the shorts, this is probably the best. Even though they used this pun in a previous short. It's absurd, but it's harmless enough and it managed to get a laugh out of me because the joke actually connects for once. Sex With... #2 ... Quentin Tarantino Performs a Circumcision ... Fred and Barney Try to Get into a Club ... The Wizard of Oz, Adjusted for Reality ... Monkeys Talk About Religion Oh God, please don't... Monkey Son: Dad, in school my teacher said that we evolve from other animals. That's not true, is it? Monkey Dad: Of course not, Stephen. We were created by Monkey God in his monkey image. Did you hear? Seth MacFarlane hates the strawmans of religious and conservative people! I.. I don't even get the joke here. If people were monkeys, then their god would be a monkey. Like... what IS the joke? You know, it's actually kind of a clever idea to have animals discuss aspects of human culture, and it's been done well many times before. But that's not by making them act more like humans. It's by making them act wiser than humans! This is a concept that's been handed to you on a silver platter, tried and true, and you did literally nothing with it! This joke... short doesn't even have a punchline! Marital Troubles It's alright. Middle of the road. Decent buildup to an actual punchline. Nothing special. Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road? chicken walks up to a woman Chicken: Hey, baby. Sorry I'm late. walk into a hotel. Cut to black. To Fuck Your Mother in the Ass What's the matter? Does other people's anti-humor annoy you? Maybe you should take it as a memo. By the way, did you know "why did the chicken cross the road" is actually a suicide joke? Sex With... #3 Please be done already! Stupid. lowbrow, nonsensical failure to understand even the basics of comedy! Backstage with Bob Dylan ... Barry Gibb Rides a Roller Coaster Gibb increases his voice as the roller coaster goes up, letting out a loud high note as the ride goes down BREATHTAKING! Mad Cow Disease COWS! COOWWWS! FUCKING COWS!! COOOWWWS! COOOWWWWS! MOTHER FUCKING COWS!!! Bad punchline. A Scotsman Who Still Can't Watch a Movie Without Shouting at the Screen ... Dirty Vaudeville ... Beavers: Assholes of the Forest Anyone else wanna watch Angry Beavers instead? Deer: God, can you believe this guy? What a... Fish: A vagina! Bird: Yeah, a vagina! From now on, beaver means vagina! Animals: Yeah! Narrator: And that is the origin of the term. I've never heard an asshole, beaver or otherwise, be referred to as a vagina. I mean, they've been called a douchebag, or a dick... Wait... You got the genitals reversed. When your comedy begins and ends with "HUR DEE DUR SEX!", how the hell do you do that? A Trip to the Therapist Oh, thank God. I need one after this. Get it? She's fat! It's the beginning and ending of the joke! This is a fat person, and... and that's the fucking joke! I thought these people were supposed to be progressives or something! If anything, this proves that they must be all out of fat jokes... Fat Jesus ...OH COME ON! It's Jesus, and they made him fat! Fat is automatically a joke now! Because if it's not, there ARE no jokes in this short! It's literally that! Even if it's trying, actively TRYING, to piss people off, it's too lazy to do so! They made Jesus fat and they did nothing else! Jesus even talks about nothing but food, cause that's all fat people do, apparently! Dracula Meets Magic Johnson He has AIDS! Get it? ...Wait. Didn't we have AIDS as the punchline in a previous short? You do know this is a web series, right? You don't have to keep reusing jokes and ideas to hit an episode total. Plus, aren't vampires like corpses that don't have an immune system anyway? The Sneeze Throw-Up Oh goody. see said sneeze throw-up I don't know what I was expecting. Give them this. It gives what it advertises, unlike this fucking series that it's a part of. The Settlers' First Attempt to Buy Manhattan from the Indians Once again, I don't really know what the joke is. You know that old phrase, "throw shit at the wall and see what sticks?" I think they went out of their way intentionally to use the stuff that didn't stick to the wall. Why Bob Marley Should Not Have Acted as His Own Attorney ... Jesus and Vishnu on Christmas Eve ... Ted Nugent is Visited by the Ghost of Christmas Past Obvious jokes about Ted Nugent. If you don't like Ted Nugent, you've probably heard these jokes elsewhere. By the way, why would Ted Nugent need to be taught about the spirit of Christmas? Four Years of Entourage in Ten Seconds ... Tara Reid is Not Looking So Good Lately Grammar much? This one's stupid. Things You Never Hear Of all the laziest piece of shit 'Take That's,' this one is the laziest I've ever seen! Guy 1: I really enjoyed National Treasure 2. Guy 2: Me too. It answered every question I had about National Treasure 1. Look, I can do it! A Million Ways to Die in the West is an underrated masterpiece. I felt that Bordertown was cut off way too soon. It's definitely filling a hole in prime-time television. Family Guy has SO been getting better recently! I think the show should've ALWAYS been like this! Ted 2 was so much better than the first one; I can't wait for the next installment. YOU KNOW, IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE IT'S TRUE, RIGHT!?? Do you think I would've won the contest where the winner got to buy Seth MacFarlane dinner at Burger King? I did not say that wrong. The winner of the contest got to buy Seth MacFarlane dinner at Burger King. I am so fucking sick of all this! Even if you agreed with me, it doesn't mean you found what I said funny! If you want to do nothing but share your opinions, start writing editorials or start vlogging! I'm sorry, but this is one of the shorts that pissed me off the most, and this series is REALLY pissing me off! You can inject your opinions into comedy, but the comedy comes first! When you have big brand sponsors, no censorship, and no constraints whatsoever, you should be able to do more than this! There are no attempts at comedy, just barebone attempts to shove opinions down you people's throats, making no pretense about it! Guy 1: Wanna know why I joined the republicans? The pussy. Guy 2: I hear ya, bro. I am getting seven kinds of laid. Okay, so guys who become democrats are just doing it to get laid and republicans are able to fight their baser urges. And no, I'm not a republican. I am getting very agitated. Like, unbelievably agitated... Small Talk with Aunt Helen I don't get the reference. If the audience doesn't get the reference, then the joke should be invisible. Moving on. Two Ducks Watch Meet the Parents Hey... Hey Seth. Do you want to start an internet review show? I mean, it's not that hard. You can even have the two ducks gimmick like you do here. You clearly want to do nothing more than spill your opinions, comedy or story be damned. It'll probably be a good fit for you. This is Brian Griffin talking to Brian Griffin about a movie that Seth MacFarlane doesn't like. Jeff Goldblum Wafers Making fun of Jeff Goldblum's matter of speaking. Sure you don't wanna be an internet critic? END! FUCKING END! We're at the home stretch here... Marie Antoinette's Notepad Are you trying to say that Marie Antoinette was unfairly demonized? I mean, nothing about this makes sense within the context of the reference. I mean, shit and pussy are naughty words... What does this even mean? "Let them eat cake" pissed everyone off already! Are you saying that everyone could've been more pissed off? What's the joke!? Sheep Shearing This is one of the better ones. It's weird and stupid, but inoffensive. And now we end on... What Happens If You Feed a Dog Chocolate While He Wears a Tin Foil Hat in the Microwave Oh dear... Will It Blend tries Will It Die! So the joke is they're about to do a bunch of harmful things to an innocent dog. Way to go out on a bang! I mean, it holds for a while because they know you're cringing, that you're hesitating, until it explodes. By the way, Joe Cartoon beat you to the joke of animals dying horribly in kitchen utensils. If you're going to be shocking, you have to be original.